Characters Reactionary
How dare these little fuckers attempt to take away my art school memories.
How dare these little fucks attempt to take away my Fairfield memories.
How dare any little fucker try to take away my soul.
Unfortunately, or rather more for me and the strength of my ability to flip this trick and spin it;
I'll never allow you to further this. There's a loop they like to play and it's getting old.
Get the boy angry, then get him to childish react to the opposite of whatever it is the character is saying.
THEN I DON'T LIKE THAT.
Then feel bad about that.
I remember what's important from my life. The importance of my art school friends, the flashback of friends in childhood, everything that essentially matters. I'm realizing the state of mind they're placing me in through these entries. I'm deciding to change this because being bitter about this thing at any point is essentially worthless. It doesn't end to any further of an extent if I decide to sit around and rant or allow these weird eye retina activators to change my mental perspective. That doesn't make any sense, so fuck that. I've decided to get past that, there's both no point in sleeping or point in reacting in this way. I've figured out since the first time I got bitter back in one of the carmen's husband episodes sleeping over there that they're trying to create some sort of loop. It's really not worth the effort to sit around and go through with becoming this hateful and bitter thing they're trying to create. I'm not going to react like this anymore, I don't see how if I'm going to build any form of muscle mass being bitter is going to help me. I don't see how looking upon things with some idea of fearing my muscles are being manipulated or controlled is going to change anything. It's another one of these fucking things with the lasers, it's a way to try and ruin me, an attempt to make me angry all the time. Hateful. Bitter. Out there. And I don't see any reason to be like this.
It's not helpful, I could use it but I don't want to. It's not pushing my art in the direction that I want it to. It's not pushing things in the Fairfield way. It's not Breen enough and it's not Monican enough to be noteworthy in this situation.
It seems at this point they're trying to get me to freak out, they try and push things together they try and set up everything that I have to do they try and steal away the neo hippie girls I had sexual attraction to in my youth they try and tell me the craziest of shit. They try and get me worried about how I appear. How I am. How I sound.
In a situation like this it's not possible, not really. And at the same time it's everything.
It's apart of the crowd I am, it's apart of the deal, it's apart of who I am. I definitely care what I look like, I'm always going to care what I look like. I want art school girls to like me, part of that is the physical. I don't care what they said in creating me to the point of where I am, throwing the beer bottles around to create the set and not washing has not been my best behavioral patterns. I have no idea what's sexy for girls, I've never been good with this subject. But I don't see how this is going to help me further my sexual advances with girls. This isn't how I was like in Fairfield, this isn't how I'm like. I hate being these characters all the time, creating and combining. There was one period I was angry all the time. I got an incredible amount of acne and dated Megan and found out that Gaby liked me and girls liked being angry.
It's a trick if anyone's going to tell you they're erasing things, taking things away. This is shit I fell for last time.
I stopped working I stopped creating I stopped the effort to push myself further because I knew I was going to be fucked with, challeneged, toyed with so I decided to hide until the period was over. To do the quick recover and then start my life over again. It's something I went through before, it's something that led my passageway to New York. It's the period after Carmen was murdered in terms of living in the world, how I learned that I wasn't really Fairfield enough because Carmen didn't have the money in the bank I expected her to and that Pete was as worthless as I thought him to be. That I was right the first time about those people. Especially outside this show, I was right about the whole thing. I look forward to this show being over, so I don't have to be filmed 24/7 and toyed with. During this period of time I was forced into dating Christie via Tim who told me I was going to hell if I dumped her. Which I wanted to after I completed my John Leguizamo sexual virginity completion which happened exactly as I placed it in my book. It says alot about me that I documented this moment in my mind with the skipping C.D. and was sure to sell it off. This was a period of time I didn't stand up for myself. This is something I've learned from which I'm using in this T.V. show. This is why I'll never go back to pretending it isn't a show. As if that was even possible. By the by, before we get into the Jeanette portion of this, I just wanted to thank the show's producer for opening this with the retina machine so I could comment on this. Nothing is more wonderful than using the pain and elegance the joy of fuck and death of life (to the Uriel symbology, live through your art. Never allow an empty girl to take your life away. Never allow conversations about nothing to drain and steal your soul).
It also takes into consideration my regret in it not being Jeanette. Because in the longrun, creating this sort of loop with Tim and the fucking comic book religions was dangerous. He abused the power to control the drug trade in town and I just wasn't down in the long run. It sucked enough that Carmen was in jail, Christie couldn't handle me being friends with anyone else and Tim enforced this idea of self destruction being around anyone but this girl. So I just hid and sunk in a depression, rather, I hid. I stopped being a person until it was over. Once Jeanette was gone I stopped trying as a person. I was living with disgusting people and a girl I didn't love. Saying I love you when you don't mean it fucking disgusts me. I hid practicing my religion. Tim told me Pete was the devil. The truth is, he was a shitty father not the son of satan and all in all I didn't want a dad. I didn't need one. More importantly, he was a shitty husband and I can't respect the abuse of women.
That's essentially the way it is. I see where they're going with this on the show, I'm not going that way. I'm taking advantage of every little bit of what we've created here, art pallet life. They've taken every character from my novels and turned them into live action figures for my life. Then, they've created something bigger than myself and probably interviewed all of these people. Hell, I'm the biggest thing on Earth, I wonder if there's a Jeanette show or if they have like a commentary looking over my mental state pondering if I'm going to crack, or why I don't. I can't wait to see all the shit about me. Did I ever tell you that I wanted in the beginning of this a montage of people calling me an asshole. The first movie I ever made started out with "chris mastronardi you're the biggest fucking piece of shit ... what?" - Jeanette. And then she looks up to have Tim tag along to buy cigarettes. This sums up the whole fucking idea of what's happened. This sums up the greatness of documenting my life, tearing apart my life and raping me inside out. I'm an asshole but these girls I love, especially ones of future finding and urban outfitters art neuveau girls cannot lie in saying I've given you my life. Literally. But this can't go on for life, it's not possible.
There was no point in living dating Christie, worthless and empty girl who traded the Smashing Pumpkins for Britney Spears, it says it all. Read the fucking books, you'll get the deal. It's described in "Sophomoric Dreams" - "Running Down a Dream" - "Rotten Apples"
And this is the sort of period I went through before.
See, I could of told Tim fuck off I'm really not down with beleiving your direct connection with God to control the felt form. No dice, and ended that. Then dumped Christie, then dated Jeanette.
Or I could have done it the whole way I look back in time in the books on Jane Lane day. When I should have called Tabitha instead of Vanessa. We're gonna be like this, but I'm having so much fun like this. I could have made the effort to exist. Around disgusting people who I hated I stopped practicing spirituality. Everything I found spiritually I just found in meditation, it wasn't as crazy as Tim made it and closer to David Lynch's theory on psychology than the power of changing lights and making the weather go boom. I could have dealt with the fact that I had to live with a guy I hated who I'd never accept to be my father. That his father was my only saving grace. And ultimately I didn't want to have anything to do with any of them.
My interest was in seeing them one final time. More so just my grandfather. But I didn't want anything to do with these people, so I hid until it was over. I hid until Christie was gone, rather I got rid of her and brought Jeanette back in. Tim was the exchange of weather, he murdered and he returned. Later to go to war and bring another nightmare.
I was like this in the past, I could have been angry throughout this entire period of time. Instead I hid.
This is the only period in the past I can compare to this one. When I couldn't really be myself, when I had to go through periods of war. People couldn't read my thoughts but it was something like that. If I dealt with it outside the world of regularity, then it worked out for me, then it was standing up for what I am, who I am and where I want to go. Had I not then I found the nothingness of waiting. You've seen me do both in this show, sleep in a corner like I did for a year with Carmen's husband, then you saw me fight as I did with the Willis boy for the right of neo-hippie existence. Because he was going down in the classes and I was going up, and we did this willingly. His whole idea was being down in the trenches, taking his shirt off in public and laying outside with the heroin dude who somehow became my responsibility because he purchased us hotel parties at the Fairfield Inn. Creating parties and governing social groups is alot like directing films. It's alot like being inspired to fucking run a club. It's fucking fulfilling, executing on time sequence the pot girls, the summoning of lackie girls, Pascal charm and other beer bringers, runs to Wood Ave and following frequent time of after school summoning of heroin Adam. We could have just culted back in with Dobi but this was a much more interesting experiment. It's also life and who I am.
I am very Fairfield on the inside and had you failed to notice this you'll take note of the episode in series zero after Sarah O'D watched the documentary and I said 'those are my people'. This was a stock of pride.
I am also very art school and this has been my identity in both places. In Fairfield being the art school kid and in art school being the sort of hybrid Fairfield kid gone art school. This is ultimately who I am. Who I'll always be no matter what character I place in momentum to get through this ridiculous fucking show. Christie's boyfriend was a character, he pretended to not be alive, he hid. He pretended he understood this joy of having a trophy wife, but when kids like matt brewster were like woah shes hot why does she date him, he understood he was keeping social afloat for doing nothing but didnt really get it. He didnt respect them. He was sleeping. Thus, Mikey came alive in the episode with Jeanette. It was a moment in mind games, movement of town, changing of elements, the Fairfield way. In reflection it was also the opposite of things should of been or how his heart would have had it. Duel manipulation in cruel intentions has always been close to my heart. Or had you skipped the episodes of Anna, the open relationship and advice on girls? I was very happy before this started.
Ultimately, take all of this into consideration. Take all of this into account for the fact that they're trying to manipulate me into fear of sharing me. That's the opposite of what I want to do, I want to stand for who I really am. This I should have done from the start, I should have felt bad for myself when this happened to me. That my mother went to jail and this was a disgusting thing in Fairfield, that she failed me in having the college economy and the only thing I gained through this period of time was Evangelion and New York City (the fact that I went to Manhattan stood outside limelight and realized that this was home. That this was the place that I love. That I wanted to go inside limelight and Tim thought they were evil. I wanted to join the vampires he wanted to slay. Incidentally, he really believed they were vampires).
Aside from that I did nothing. I didn't try. I was uncomfortable and would have to face I wasn't the perfection I wished to meet.
725 was having perfection.
My club will be having perfection.
I will always be a Fairfield kid, I will always be this art school kid. The fact that these people say things to me like erased or even dare to touch memories that matter to keep me alive, to even say such a thing as being associated with Bridgeport to anything. I'm not sorry to say that will always be the place I purchased alcolhol and where I uncles failed to help me deal with Pete. That they instead went crazy again about Tim saying the number 444. We all laughed very much.
Yes, when I say all of this, it's all for myself. When I say all of this, I'm happy for you to share my life and my pain.
I'm happy, because ultimately this ability to create such a raping is what's allowed me to get my club.
What's created this show.
I'm not going to stop bitching, I'm going to stop sharing. I'm going to take things to this situation, I'm going to feel each and every little bit of it. Because I'm on this show for a reason and I'm never going to forgive you people for speaking of Adam. There's so much to pay for, there's so much to go forward for. I don't respect the people these characters represent and what they represent. I'm never going to, nor do I respect the original premise of having anything to do with my art having to do with my seperation and disgust of Carmen's husband. It's always going to be that way, but in the world of the show I can deal with alot of shit. This frees me from having to go through it again, I've finally put everything together. Ultimately, I represent the scars of children who've had to face this situation before, do not allow them to do you you're wrong. Emo is the way to go, this is an actual thing, accept my emotions is beautiful. Being how I truly am.
I'm from Fairfield. I'm in a nightmare of a T.V. show. They found me in Manhattan.
I'm having fun again. I'm going to go bitch. I'm sad. I'm happy. I'm not trusting the characters.
<3
Skylar
How dare these little fucks attempt to take away my Fairfield memories.
How dare any little fucker try to take away my soul.
Unfortunately, or rather more for me and the strength of my ability to flip this trick and spin it;
I'll never allow you to further this. There's a loop they like to play and it's getting old.
Get the boy angry, then get him to childish react to the opposite of whatever it is the character is saying.
THEN I DON'T LIKE THAT.
Then feel bad about that.
I remember what's important from my life. The importance of my art school friends, the flashback of friends in childhood, everything that essentially matters. I'm realizing the state of mind they're placing me in through these entries. I'm deciding to change this because being bitter about this thing at any point is essentially worthless. It doesn't end to any further of an extent if I decide to sit around and rant or allow these weird eye retina activators to change my mental perspective. That doesn't make any sense, so fuck that. I've decided to get past that, there's both no point in sleeping or point in reacting in this way. I've figured out since the first time I got bitter back in one of the carmen's husband episodes sleeping over there that they're trying to create some sort of loop. It's really not worth the effort to sit around and go through with becoming this hateful and bitter thing they're trying to create. I'm not going to react like this anymore, I don't see how if I'm going to build any form of muscle mass being bitter is going to help me. I don't see how looking upon things with some idea of fearing my muscles are being manipulated or controlled is going to change anything. It's another one of these fucking things with the lasers, it's a way to try and ruin me, an attempt to make me angry all the time. Hateful. Bitter. Out there. And I don't see any reason to be like this.
It's not helpful, I could use it but I don't want to. It's not pushing my art in the direction that I want it to. It's not pushing things in the Fairfield way. It's not Breen enough and it's not Monican enough to be noteworthy in this situation.
It seems at this point they're trying to get me to freak out, they try and push things together they try and set up everything that I have to do they try and steal away the neo hippie girls I had sexual attraction to in my youth they try and tell me the craziest of shit. They try and get me worried about how I appear. How I am. How I sound.
In a situation like this it's not possible, not really. And at the same time it's everything.
It's apart of the crowd I am, it's apart of the deal, it's apart of who I am. I definitely care what I look like, I'm always going to care what I look like. I want art school girls to like me, part of that is the physical. I don't care what they said in creating me to the point of where I am, throwing the beer bottles around to create the set and not washing has not been my best behavioral patterns. I have no idea what's sexy for girls, I've never been good with this subject. But I don't see how this is going to help me further my sexual advances with girls. This isn't how I was like in Fairfield, this isn't how I'm like. I hate being these characters all the time, creating and combining. There was one period I was angry all the time. I got an incredible amount of acne and dated Megan and found out that Gaby liked me and girls liked being angry.
It's a trick if anyone's going to tell you they're erasing things, taking things away. This is shit I fell for last time.
I stopped working I stopped creating I stopped the effort to push myself further because I knew I was going to be fucked with, challeneged, toyed with so I decided to hide until the period was over. To do the quick recover and then start my life over again. It's something I went through before, it's something that led my passageway to New York. It's the period after Carmen was murdered in terms of living in the world, how I learned that I wasn't really Fairfield enough because Carmen didn't have the money in the bank I expected her to and that Pete was as worthless as I thought him to be. That I was right the first time about those people. Especially outside this show, I was right about the whole thing. I look forward to this show being over, so I don't have to be filmed 24/7 and toyed with. During this period of time I was forced into dating Christie via Tim who told me I was going to hell if I dumped her. Which I wanted to after I completed my John Leguizamo sexual virginity completion which happened exactly as I placed it in my book. It says alot about me that I documented this moment in my mind with the skipping C.D. and was sure to sell it off. This was a period of time I didn't stand up for myself. This is something I've learned from which I'm using in this T.V. show. This is why I'll never go back to pretending it isn't a show. As if that was even possible. By the by, before we get into the Jeanette portion of this, I just wanted to thank the show's producer for opening this with the retina machine so I could comment on this. Nothing is more wonderful than using the pain and elegance the joy of fuck and death of life (to the Uriel symbology, live through your art. Never allow an empty girl to take your life away. Never allow conversations about nothing to drain and steal your soul).
It also takes into consideration my regret in it not being Jeanette. Because in the longrun, creating this sort of loop with Tim and the fucking comic book religions was dangerous. He abused the power to control the drug trade in town and I just wasn't down in the long run. It sucked enough that Carmen was in jail, Christie couldn't handle me being friends with anyone else and Tim enforced this idea of self destruction being around anyone but this girl. So I just hid and sunk in a depression, rather, I hid. I stopped being a person until it was over. Once Jeanette was gone I stopped trying as a person. I was living with disgusting people and a girl I didn't love. Saying I love you when you don't mean it fucking disgusts me. I hid practicing my religion. Tim told me Pete was the devil. The truth is, he was a shitty father not the son of satan and all in all I didn't want a dad. I didn't need one. More importantly, he was a shitty husband and I can't respect the abuse of women.
That's essentially the way it is. I see where they're going with this on the show, I'm not going that way. I'm taking advantage of every little bit of what we've created here, art pallet life. They've taken every character from my novels and turned them into live action figures for my life. Then, they've created something bigger than myself and probably interviewed all of these people. Hell, I'm the biggest thing on Earth, I wonder if there's a Jeanette show or if they have like a commentary looking over my mental state pondering if I'm going to crack, or why I don't. I can't wait to see all the shit about me. Did I ever tell you that I wanted in the beginning of this a montage of people calling me an asshole. The first movie I ever made started out with "chris mastronardi you're the biggest fucking piece of shit ... what?" - Jeanette. And then she looks up to have Tim tag along to buy cigarettes. This sums up the whole fucking idea of what's happened. This sums up the greatness of documenting my life, tearing apart my life and raping me inside out. I'm an asshole but these girls I love, especially ones of future finding and urban outfitters art neuveau girls cannot lie in saying I've given you my life. Literally. But this can't go on for life, it's not possible.
There was no point in living dating Christie, worthless and empty girl who traded the Smashing Pumpkins for Britney Spears, it says it all. Read the fucking books, you'll get the deal. It's described in "Sophomoric Dreams" - "Running Down a Dream" - "Rotten Apples"
And this is the sort of period I went through before.
See, I could of told Tim fuck off I'm really not down with beleiving your direct connection with God to control the felt form. No dice, and ended that. Then dumped Christie, then dated Jeanette.
Or I could have done it the whole way I look back in time in the books on Jane Lane day. When I should have called Tabitha instead of Vanessa. We're gonna be like this, but I'm having so much fun like this. I could have made the effort to exist. Around disgusting people who I hated I stopped practicing spirituality. Everything I found spiritually I just found in meditation, it wasn't as crazy as Tim made it and closer to David Lynch's theory on psychology than the power of changing lights and making the weather go boom. I could have dealt with the fact that I had to live with a guy I hated who I'd never accept to be my father. That his father was my only saving grace. And ultimately I didn't want to have anything to do with any of them.
My interest was in seeing them one final time. More so just my grandfather. But I didn't want anything to do with these people, so I hid until it was over. I hid until Christie was gone, rather I got rid of her and brought Jeanette back in. Tim was the exchange of weather, he murdered and he returned. Later to go to war and bring another nightmare.
I was like this in the past, I could have been angry throughout this entire period of time. Instead I hid.
This is the only period in the past I can compare to this one. When I couldn't really be myself, when I had to go through periods of war. People couldn't read my thoughts but it was something like that. If I dealt with it outside the world of regularity, then it worked out for me, then it was standing up for what I am, who I am and where I want to go. Had I not then I found the nothingness of waiting. You've seen me do both in this show, sleep in a corner like I did for a year with Carmen's husband, then you saw me fight as I did with the Willis boy for the right of neo-hippie existence. Because he was going down in the classes and I was going up, and we did this willingly. His whole idea was being down in the trenches, taking his shirt off in public and laying outside with the heroin dude who somehow became my responsibility because he purchased us hotel parties at the Fairfield Inn. Creating parties and governing social groups is alot like directing films. It's alot like being inspired to fucking run a club. It's fucking fulfilling, executing on time sequence the pot girls, the summoning of lackie girls, Pascal charm and other beer bringers, runs to Wood Ave and following frequent time of after school summoning of heroin Adam. We could have just culted back in with Dobi but this was a much more interesting experiment. It's also life and who I am.
I am very Fairfield on the inside and had you failed to notice this you'll take note of the episode in series zero after Sarah O'D watched the documentary and I said 'those are my people'. This was a stock of pride.
I am also very art school and this has been my identity in both places. In Fairfield being the art school kid and in art school being the sort of hybrid Fairfield kid gone art school. This is ultimately who I am. Who I'll always be no matter what character I place in momentum to get through this ridiculous fucking show. Christie's boyfriend was a character, he pretended to not be alive, he hid. He pretended he understood this joy of having a trophy wife, but when kids like matt brewster were like woah shes hot why does she date him, he understood he was keeping social afloat for doing nothing but didnt really get it. He didnt respect them. He was sleeping. Thus, Mikey came alive in the episode with Jeanette. It was a moment in mind games, movement of town, changing of elements, the Fairfield way. In reflection it was also the opposite of things should of been or how his heart would have had it. Duel manipulation in cruel intentions has always been close to my heart. Or had you skipped the episodes of Anna, the open relationship and advice on girls? I was very happy before this started.
Ultimately, take all of this into consideration. Take all of this into account for the fact that they're trying to manipulate me into fear of sharing me. That's the opposite of what I want to do, I want to stand for who I really am. This I should have done from the start, I should have felt bad for myself when this happened to me. That my mother went to jail and this was a disgusting thing in Fairfield, that she failed me in having the college economy and the only thing I gained through this period of time was Evangelion and New York City (the fact that I went to Manhattan stood outside limelight and realized that this was home. That this was the place that I love. That I wanted to go inside limelight and Tim thought they were evil. I wanted to join the vampires he wanted to slay. Incidentally, he really believed they were vampires).
Aside from that I did nothing. I didn't try. I was uncomfortable and would have to face I wasn't the perfection I wished to meet.
725 was having perfection.
My club will be having perfection.
I will always be a Fairfield kid, I will always be this art school kid. The fact that these people say things to me like erased or even dare to touch memories that matter to keep me alive, to even say such a thing as being associated with Bridgeport to anything. I'm not sorry to say that will always be the place I purchased alcolhol and where I uncles failed to help me deal with Pete. That they instead went crazy again about Tim saying the number 444. We all laughed very much.
Yes, when I say all of this, it's all for myself. When I say all of this, I'm happy for you to share my life and my pain.
I'm happy, because ultimately this ability to create such a raping is what's allowed me to get my club.
What's created this show.
I'm not going to stop bitching, I'm going to stop sharing. I'm going to take things to this situation, I'm going to feel each and every little bit of it. Because I'm on this show for a reason and I'm never going to forgive you people for speaking of Adam. There's so much to pay for, there's so much to go forward for. I don't respect the people these characters represent and what they represent. I'm never going to, nor do I respect the original premise of having anything to do with my art having to do with my seperation and disgust of Carmen's husband. It's always going to be that way, but in the world of the show I can deal with alot of shit. This frees me from having to go through it again, I've finally put everything together. Ultimately, I represent the scars of children who've had to face this situation before, do not allow them to do you you're wrong. Emo is the way to go, this is an actual thing, accept my emotions is beautiful. Being how I truly am.
I'm from Fairfield. I'm in a nightmare of a T.V. show. They found me in Manhattan.
I'm having fun again. I'm going to go bitch. I'm sad. I'm happy. I'm not trusting the characters.
<3
Skylar
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